Williams: I put all the lake region sports mascots up against each other cause why not

Jack Williams
Devils Lake Journal
Four Winds/Minnewaukan defeated New Rockford-Sheyenne for the District 7 championship. Benson County defeated Dakota Prairie to advance to regionals. Lakota lost to Harvey/Wells County.

It's been a slower week than usual at The Journal sports-wise. With Four Winds closing out the winter sports season and the spring sports season still prepping to start, we have sadly come across a dry period in the lake region. LRSC has provided us with some entertaining games these past two weeks, but there's still a craving for more. 

It's kind of weird seeing your hometown kind of wait for things to start, while the rest of the country is fixated on March Madness in Indiana and Texas. We all love basketball and competition, so how do we bring the madness of March to northeast North Dakota? Mascot Madness! 

There are so many unique mascots in the lake region, offering something very different when they go head to head. You might be thinking, "Jack, there's only like 10 mascots in the area. It's not going to be a fun competition." Oh contraire, my good friend. It's not just going to be the regular schools we cover, but the schools that are no longer competing. Adding those in, we're able to get our field up to 26 schools.

The field

Current mascots: Devils Lake Firebirds, North Star Bearcats, Four Winds Indians, Benson County Wildcats, Nelson County Chargers, Dakota Prairie Knights, Lakota Raiders, New Rockford-Sheyenne Rockets, Langdon Cardinals, Lake Region State Royals. 

Mascots that technically still exist: Maddock Bobcats, Leeds Lions, Starkweather Stormkings, Minnewaukan Midgets.

Mascots that have come back from the dead: Devils Lake Satans, Sheyenne Phantoms, McVille Blackhawks, Edmore Vikings, Munich Magicians, Cando Bears, Saint James Aces, Churchs Ferry Bluejays, Devils Lake St. Marys Knights, Michigan Bulldogs, Petersburg Unity Spartans, Tolna Trojans. 

I'm putting all these names in a bracket randomizer and it will randomly choose the matchups.

First round

BYES: Benson County Wildcats, Langdon Cardinals, Nelson County Chargers, Sheyenne Phantoms 

Starkweather Stormkings vs. McVille Blackhawks 

I don't know if y'all have seen a Stormking, but it's sick as hell. It's basically a greek god or just like powerful being that controls the weather. Very, very powerful and honestly, it randomly drew the No. 1 seed. 

Listen, I'm from Chicago and love the Blackhawk name, but I can easily see a Stormking knocking out a Blackhawk with one zap of his pinky finger. Starkweather advances. 

Churchs Ferry Bluejays vs. Saint James Academy (New Rockford) Aces 

These are two schools that I really had to dig for finding out information. I still don't know what an "ace" is, but I'm going to assume it means being number one since an ace in a card deck is a one and in some cases is the highest card in the deck. 

Looking at what an Ace is, I'm assuming it's kind of a concept and not really a living thing. Great for a mascot, but not the best to put up in the ring for a fight. The Bluejay isn't the most intimidating bird, but it's something. Churchs Ferry advance. 

Devils Lake Firebirds vs. Dakota Prairie Knights 

When I think of Firebird, I think of the bird described in Igor Stravinsky's ballet "The Firebird", which is this big red bird, with fire wings, basically. Like Devils Lake's logo. FIRE. WINGS. 

I believe a Knight can put up a good battle, but there is something HUGE in front of you with WINGS ON FIRE. It's a literal moving fireball. Devils Lake Firebirds advance. 

Maddock Bobcats vs. Michigan Bulldogs 

I love a good ole Bulldog. They're fat and lazy, but extremely cute. They do give off kind of a vicious vibe, but honestly, how much damage is a Bulldog going to do. Maybe a deep bite, but overall, Bulldogs are pretty chill and low-key judged by society. 

Now Bobcats are a little different. They're smaller than you think, but we all know that cats can be insane and any wild-cat in this bracket is going to need a strong opponent to be stopped. Bobcats over Bulldogs, but we still love bulldogs. Maddock advances. 

Tolna Trojans vs. Leeds Lions

As I said before, it's going to take a strong opponent to defeat a wild-cat. This ain't it. Have you seen what would happen in ancient Rome? They would literally throw people into pits in front of hundreds of people to fight Lions, and it didn't end up well for the people. 

Another big-cat victory. We have a few more big-cats in this bracket, so it'll be interesting to see if the felines will be stopped. Leeds advances. 

Minnewaukan Midgets vs. Devils Lake Satans 

So from what I'm getting at looking at Minnewaukans logo, it's literally just a small person. Devils Lake may not have the book definition of satan, and what i mean by that is scary and intimidating, but in a battle between these two, I'm giving it to the devil baby. 

Damen from the Omen, Jack-Jack from the Incredibles, the baby from Rosemary's Baby. Demon babies are no joke. He may look cute, but he literally has the word Satan in his name. Devils Lake Satans advance. 

Petersburg Unity Spartans vs. Edmore Vikings 

Both very compelling arguments as to who is more intimidating and stronger. The Spartans literally fought to the death, outnumbered, against Persia, but still lost. However, this isn't Persia, THIS. IS. PETERSBURG! Vikings were warriors as well and had a similar tactic of fighting with everything on the line. 

Both parties make very compelling arguments. However, due to the high Scandinavian population in North Dakota, the Spartans are badly outnumbered once again. Edmore advances. 

Four Winds Indians vs. Devils Lake Saint Mary's Knights

The Indians have had experience in combat before in this region. The Dakota Tribe fought in the Dakota War of 1862, eventually leading bands of the tribe to settle on Devils Lake's southern waterfront. 

Battle-tested, home-court advantage and is still going strong as a mascot, that's too much for any Knight to handle. A suit and armor can only handle so much. Four Winds advances.

Lakota Raiders vs. Lake Region State College Royals 

Another group that is battled tested, the Raiders has fought in their fair share of battles around North Dakota over hundreds of years. But we return back to the question of can they stop a wild-cat. A Royal is basically a lion. A royal lion. 

Considering the Raiders have hunted entire buffalo before, I don't think a royal lion will be too much of a challenge for an entire tribe. Lakota advances. 

New Rockford-Sheyenne Rockets vs. Munich Magicians 

You're going to tell me that Criss Angel is going to make a whole rocket disappear. Magic is an illusion, meaning it's not real. Sorry, but that what magicians do. They pull tricks. That rocket is still there and it's not playing around. 

I know the photo of the actual Rocket isn't very intimidating, with the smile and eyebrows. but a real rocket beats any magician. NR-S advances. 

North Star Bearcats vs. Cando Bears 

Yes! Our first hometown battle. The past and present of Cando go head to head. However, this isn't going to be close. Bearcats are very cute and not as aggressive as a whole bear. They just chill out in trees and know what's good. They're also extremely endangered. 

We love you Mr. Bearcat, but I honestly think you could get in a scratch, a bite, and run away from a bear. You're not winning. This is a win-win for Cando so the Bears advance. 

Round two 

Starkweather Stormkings vs. Churchs Ferry Bluejays 

Zap. Starkweather advances. 

Devils Lake Firebirds vs. Benson County Wildcats 

The literal fireball that has a mind of its own is gonna get tested by a large cat. However, fire is still fire and I think that it's more than enough to push Devils Lake forward. Things are going to gear harder for the wings of flame, but are still very powerful. 

Devils Lake Firebirds advance. 

Nelson County Chargers vs. Maddock Bobcats 

Like I said, aggressive cats are hard to beat, but it's going up against a real fast horse. Bobcats aren't that big, but they are aggressive. Chargers are big, but they aren't too aggressive. 

The height and weight advantage go to the Chargers and that's what you need to survive. Nelson County advances. 

Leeds Lions vs. Langdon Cardinals 

Come on. Langdon, I'm saying this with all the love in my heart, it ain't happening. My alma maters mascot is a Cardinal and it's not intimidating at all. You can peck away all you want, but the lion is the literal king of the jungle. Still love the Cardinals though. Very pretty birds. 

Leeds advances. 

Devils Lake Satans vs. Edmore Vikings 

Demon baby. It's really enough to scare anything off. Mix in the fact that the Vikings did end up adopting Christianity into their overall worship and it's not the best combination to fight a lil satan. 

It's going to be interesting to see how far this baby goes. Devils Lake Satans advance. 

Sheyenne Phantoms vs. Lakota Raiders

Anything supernatural in my book is an instant win. Have you seen a picture of the Sheyenne Phantom, it's low-key scary. I don't care how strong of a fighter you are, you aren't beating a literal ghoul. This ain't Ghostbusters. 

Sheyenne advances.

Cando Bears vs. New Rockford-Sheyenne Rockets 

One bear vs. mass weapon of destruction or literal spaceship.

Either way, NR-S advances 

Elite Eight 

Starkweather Stormkings vs. Devils Lake Firebirds 

A true clash of the Titans. An all-powerful begin that controls the lighting and thunder versus a bird with literal fire on its wings.

*cue microburst.

Starkweather advances. 

Nelson County Chargers vs. Leeds Lions 

Lions can actually jump, are bigger than bobcats, and can maul people. Horses can run for a pretty long time, but lions are hunters. Big edge here to the feline.

Leeds advances. 

Devils Lake Satans vs. Four Winds Indians 

I can see this getting messy, so I'm going to stick by what I said in that anything supernatural in my books is an instant win. 

Devils Lake Satans advance. 

Sheyenne Phantoms vs. New Rockford-Sheyenne Rockets 

Possession, man. It's a spooky thing. A rocket is just metal and machinery, but how do you defeat something that's not alive. Also, ghosts can like get into machinery and mess things up. Big plot twist. 

Sheyenne advances. 

Final Four 

Starkweather Stormkings vs. Leeds Lions 

Don't think a lion is smart enough to outsmart the Stormking. The lion has got the braun, but the Stormking has the power of the literal sky and the brains. 

Sorry, lion. Starkweather advances.

Sheyenne Phantoms vs. Devils Lake Satans 

This is what we've been waiting for. A fair fight between these two. They are two paranormal beings that have basically smoked everyone. It's going to be close, but I have to give this one to the Satans. 

Phantoms are scary and to do ghosty stuffy, but the Satans literally have actual powers and a weapon. A good fight, but Devils Lake Satans advance. 

Championship

Starkweather Stormkings vs. Devils Lake Satans 

It's literally good vs. evil. Demon baby, who has used his powers of fear and fire to battle his way to the top versus the controller of the skies who has used his surroundings to dominate any mortal being. Who will win? 

The Stormking is throwing everything he's got at the Satan, but lighting and thunder can only do so much to stop a demon baby. Weather is only a mortal, physical weapon against a supernatural being and with a swing of his pitchfork, the satan dethrones the king. 

Champion: Devils Lake Satans 

Thank you for reading this really weird and nerdy article, and I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you lake region once again for an amazing winter sports season. I look forward to seeing all of you this spring! 

Jack Williams covers Lake Region sports and general news for the Devils Lake Journal. Contact him via email at JGWilliams1@gannett.com, or on Twitter @jackgwilliams, or phone at 701-662-2127.