OPINION

Thanksgiving Quiz

Tony Bender
Local Columnist

Before we break for Thanksgiving, it's time for another Official Tony Bender Super Brain Quiz, sponsored by Brunhilda’s Cooking Lard, Powdermilk Biscuits, Grain Belt, and Karen & Brandon, who've “just about had it up to here” with your slanders. Well, let’s see if you’ve been paying attention to the fake news. And yes, this will go on your permanent record.

1. According to recent state figures, student reading comprehension has fallen significantly in North Dakota because:

a. Hacked by South Dakota to make us look bad

b. Thanks, Biden.

c. Rob Port uses too many big words.

d. God’s will

2. President Joe Biden created an international incident when he met with British royalty and:

a. Cut the cheese

b. Cut in line at buffet

c. Launched the ol’ Delaware Destroyer 

d. Tried to extradite Prince Andrew

3. What to do with the $350 state income tax break from the ND legislature:

a. Gas up

b. Stock up on toilet paper

c. More ammo

d. Send to Joel Osteen

4. Senators John Hoeven and Kevin Cramer voted for the infrastructure bill but Rep. Kelly Armstrong didn’t because:

a. Didn’t understand the question

b. Against his religion

c. Thought it might be a trick

d. Infrastructure is a slippery slope

5. The state legislature just banned the teaching of Critical Race Theory in North Dakota because:

a. It had everyone’s giblets in a twist.

b. Prefer white meat

c. Will look good on resume

d. Might be a gateway to jazz

6. For Thanksgiving, Gov. Doug Burgum will pardon:

a. A turkey

b. A pheasant

c. Peasants

d. Lynn Anderson

7. President Biden’s approval rating is:

a. 98.6

b. 420

c. Being unfairly treated by gravity

d. Still higher than the number of teeth in the average NASCAR fan’s mouth.

8. The Chahinkapa Zoo in Wahpeton has been stripped of national accreditation because:

a. Too hard to spell

b. Zookeepers subversively teaching Critical Rino Theory

c. Tigers and bears sleeping together

d. Camels always humping

9. Liberals’ favorite Thanksgiving dish:

a. Tofu Turkey

b. Crow

c. Gizzards

d. Pilgrim babies

10. Top reason for a 17-year-old to travel across state lines with an AR-15.

a. Low on ammo for the AK-47

b. Castle Doctrine

c. Feared Biden would confiscate gun while he was away.

d. To shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die

Bonus: Talk show host Joe Rogen recently revealed that he’s flexible enough to:

a. Chew his toenails

b. Vote Dem

c. Convince Aaron Rodgers of just about anything

d. Not touching that with a six-inch pole

Answers: 1. B; 2. A; 3. A; 4. D; 5. D; 6. C; 7. C; 8. A; 9. D; 10. B; Bonus: A.

Grades: 11-9 correct: Excellent! You get the wishbone! 6-8 correct: You’ve been redistricted back to third grade.  3-5 correct: A waste is a terrible thing to mind. 0-2 correct: This is why you’ve been on double-secret probation all along.