There are few things in life as humbling as waking up at 2 a.m. with heartburn so severe you start making amends with your maker.
You sit there in the dark, clutching your chest, wondering if this is it — your dramatic exit from the world, all thanks to that extra slice of jalapeño-loaded pizza you swore you could handle.
And if you happen to share your life with a cat, there’s a good chance that, at this very moment of suffering, your feline companion will decide it is the perfect time to launch a full-scale gymnastics routine on your back!
For those who aren’t intimately familiar with the burning joys of capsaicin, let’s break it down. A jalapeño, which is a common gateway pepper for people who think they like spicy food, typically measures around 5,000 Scoville Heat Units (SHU). It has just enough heat to make you reach for the milk but not enough to incinerate your soul.
Then there’s the cayenne pepper, which casually strolls in at around 30,000–50,000 SHU. That’s six to ten times hotter than a jalapeño. That’s the difference between a warm bath and an active volcano. So, logic would tell you that if a single jalapeño can give you heartburn, drinking a tablespoon of cayenne pepper in water would be the equivalent of swallowing a live dragon.
But here’s the kicker—it actually stops the heartburn. That’s right. While you’re writhing in pain, questioning every food decision you’ve ever made, the one thing that can rescue you is the fiery wrath of capsaicin itself.
The theory is that capsaicin overloads your pain receptors, basically frying them into submission, and in turn, your body stops sending signals that your esophagus is staging a rebellion.
Now, I can personally attest to this miracle cure. There I was, in the dead of night, flopping around in misery, my cat blissfully unaware of my suffering as she used my ribcage as a launching pad for her acrobatics. Desperate, I reached for the cayenne and mixed a tablespoon into a glass of water.
It felt like drinking lava. My eyes watered. I may have momentarily questioned my will to live. But then—poof—the heartburn was gone. Just like that. Of course, my mouth was now on fire, my stomach was wondering if we’d been poisoned, and my cat, sensing my distress, decided to comfort me by purring directly in my ear while slowly suffocating me with her fur.
Remember, I am not a doctor; I am only a blonde on the prairie. But if you ever find yourself in the throes of a late-night battle with heartburn, a cat determined to perform Olympic-level backflips on your suffering body, and a desperate need for relief, just know that cayenne might be your fiery friend in the darkness.
Or it might make you rethink every life decision that brought you to this moment. Either way, at least your cat will still love you. Probably.
The Blonde on the Prairie is a lover of ND. She is an author and motivational speaker, owner of “Monkey Balls” food truck and Joyologist to the elderly, the disabled and, now, also to children wherever she is needed during the school year and beyond.
