Wow. There’s been enough news in the last month to make your head spin like Linda Blair’s in the Exorcist. School’s about to start too, so put down those fishing poles, grab a #2 pencil, and let’s get to work. Lunch today will be pea soup.
1. Why is Joe Biden no longer running for reelection?
A. Couped himself.
B. Going full time as mastermind of international prisoner releases.
C. Needs to devote full attention to Biden Crime Family.
D. Recovering from helicopter crash with Willie Brown.
2. Occasional Governor of North Dakota Doug Burgum disparaged Tim Walz because:
A. Walz keeps putting zucchini into Burgum’s Prius.
B. Smoke from the smoldering ruins of Minneapolis are killing us.
C. When he’s at his Detroit Lakes getaway, he resents Walz being the boss of him.
D. The inflationary price of sour grapes.
3. Why isn’t confessed pedophile and former North Dakota legislator Ray Holmberg in jail?
A. Trying to wrangle imprisonment with juveniles.
B. If you can’t break parole once in awhile is this even America anymore?
C. Giving it time to see if he’ll un-confess.
D. It’s not like he’s got dirt on anyone, that’s for sure.
4. Reason Trump is too old to be president.
A. Thinks he still is president.
B. Thinks he’s running against Biden.
C. He could turn Black any minute now.
D. Insists Hannibal Lecter is his vice president.
5. What the heck was the Olympic opening ceremony all about?
A. I dunno, it felt like an acid flashback. Whatever that feels like.
B. Reenactment of the food fight in Animal House.
C. A blasphemous attack on Republicans. C’mon, is Paris even America, anymore?
D. All’s I know is we have to invade France.
6. According to a recent Trump speech, the only thing we have to fear is:
A. Him.
B. Media lies about crowd size.
C. Debates.
D. Everything.
7. Why you shouldn’t worry about the fascist playbook, the Heritage Center 2025 Project?
A. Thirty-one Trump associates are involved so it must be OK.
B. Trump knows nothing about it so it must be OK.
C. If you can’t trust fascists, who can you trust?
D. Purge Night Wednesdays will be a blast.
8. Are you better off today than you were four years ago?
A. No, I died from COVID in 2020.
B. If only I could get this lightbulb out of my…
C. Well, we haven’t had a good insurrection in a while.
D. Better since the divorce.
9. What unauthorized song did Trump use at a recent rally?
A. Theme From Titanic.
B. Theme From Train Wreck.
C. Theme From the S.S. Minnow
D. Wind Beneath My Chair
10. What nickname have MAGAs given Tim Walz?
A. Trampoline Tim
B. Tampon Tim
C. Tiny Tim
D. Timmy-Timmy-Tim-Bob
BONUS: According to recent polling:
A. If Robert Kennedy Jr. dumps 10 more bears in Central Park, he could be in the thick of things.
B. Biden receiving 100% support at Mar-a-Lago.
C. J.D. Vance has better eyeliner than RuPaul.
D. Three out of 10 people have shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
Answers: 1.d; 2. d; 3. a; 4. c; 5. c; 6. d; 7. d; 8. b; 9. d; 10. d; Bonus a. Scoring 11-9 correct: Iranian hacker. 6-8 correct: You should get that checked. 3-5 correct: Devo was right. 0-2 correct: More fake news from enemies of the state.
© Tony Bender, 2024
